I started this year with my own vision for 2020, my word this year is Resilience. Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. When I wrote that word down on the 28th of December I didn't think I'd need to demonstrate resilience so quickly at the start of the year. After 3 weeks of stress and -putting together a plan to remove 30% of my team I was laid off instead. When I tell you that your intuition is strong, I mean it, I woke up on the morning of the 3rd and said, "I have a feeling I'm going to get laid off today." Sure enough, I did.
In some ways, it felt like a surprise, after all, I just received a CEO award in the middle of December. In so many other ways I was relieved. There came a time that I realized that this isn't helping me move in a direction that make sense for what I wanted to accomplish personally. I also didn't feel motivated to make the changes that I was being asked to make. I just hired some of these people and less than 30 days of their start I needed to lay them off? Obviously I didn't feel comfortable with the plan but felt like my back was against the wall to make a choice - so I listed out names and then sat there smiling and talking to them as if nothing was wrong through the holidays; which flat out sucked.
I got laid off on a Friday and the following Monday my mother in law was headed for a 3-week vacation. If you know me, you know that I attribute 90% of my ability to do me to my parents who go above and beyond to help my family. With her gone, that meant that I had to manage my house all by myself with some help from my dad in the mornings. In so many ways this couldn't have happened at a better time; being laid off allowed me to focus on taking care of the kids and gave me the time I so desperately needed to cook dinners and get Olivia to and from practices.
I'm not going to lie, I really felt like they did me a huge favor. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders by not having to go into the office. I really never took the time to see how draining the space was for me. I said that out loud one day and a good friend asked if I was kidding? Apparently it was written all over my face how unhappy I was. The truth is that I knew I was unhappy but for whatever reason, I kept thinking it would get better and it never did.
After getting the news I decided to roll with the gift that I was given. I said that I'd give myself 30 days to just take a break. For the first time in a long time, I had nowhere to be and nothing to stress over. Don't get me wrong, I totally stressed about how much hair our dog sheds every day and was always worried that the kids weren't going to eat the lunch/dinner I made them. For the first time in a long time, I was focused only on my family and to my surprise, I was REALLY happy!
In these past 30 days, I was able to find something that I thought I lost and I gained something so valuable. I remembered that my work and my title doesn't define me and also realized that being the busy mom who is always distracted isn't the type of mom that I want to be. I also have a higher appreciation for those that do everything to help make my life easier - parents, friends, etc. Now that I finally had the time to take a break and enjoy the present I realized that this is where I needed to be mentally and physically. That space could be anywhere, I just needed to remember that I don't get my time back. That every time I am trying to check the boxes and move on to the next task, I am taking away from the moment - a moment that belongs to more than just me.
I learned the importance of the pause - although we cannot freeze time we do have the ability to enjoy what's right in front of us at the moment. Life goes by quickly, babies become kids, days become months, etc. Don't miss the small moments because you didn't take time to pause and take it in.